


Long Way Down

by Scifiroots



Category: Chrono Cross
Genre: M/M, Shounen-ai, Songfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-06-27
Updated: 2012-06-27
Packaged: 2017-11-08 17:17:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,578
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/445591
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Scifiroots/pseuds/Scifiroots
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Content: shonen-ai, implication of m/m sex but doesn't even hit lime ;;^^, some swearing, faint angst, OOC on Serge's part I think...<br/>Pairing: Nikki & Serge (( ::sweatdrops:: I dunno... I love Nikki and want him in a yaoi pairing but with who the hell?!))<br/>Song: "Long Way Down" by Goo Goo Dolls on their CD A Boy Named Goo</p><p>Aug 30 '01</p>
    </blockquote>





	Long Way Down

**Author's Note:**

> Content: shonen-ai, implication of m/m sex but doesn't even hit lime ;;^^, some swearing, faint angst, OOC on Serge's part I think...  
> Pairing: Nikki & Serge (( ::sweatdrops:: I dunno... I love Nikki and want him in a yaoi pairing but with who the hell?!))  
> Song: "Long Way Down" by Goo Goo Dolls on their CD A Boy Named Goo
> 
> Aug 30 '01

 

//Oh, here you are

There's nothing left to say\\\

 

There was no words to express his feelings. There was nothing he could do to gain the love he so deeply craved from his... companion...friend...

_[You musn't have any idea of what I feel...]_ he thought sadly, turning his head to the side as the wind caught his hair and brought locks of dyed red over his face.

"Come on, we're going to be staying in Termina tonight."

Silence.

"Nikki, c'mon, move it." A slender hand encircled his upper arm and yanked him after thegroup who had already headed towards the exit of FossilValley. "What's the matter with you anyway?" Mikki asked when they fell in even stride with one another, but still behind the rest of their group.

"It's... nothing..."

Mikki frowned, eyes sparkling with concern. Nikki avoided her gaze, pretending not to see.

 

//You're not supposed to be that way\\\

 

"We'll rest up and organize a few things... then we'll be all set to head on. Anyone who doesn't want to make this last confrontation should leave now..." Glenn's eyes were hard and burned with a determined light.

The group of dimension travelers were all gathered in the back room of the bar of Termina and went over the basic set up for what was happening. With Glenn's last statement, everyone was eyeing one another, both openingly and subtly.

"Ve should have time to see anyvun ve'd like to. Let us take care of matters before ve fight."

"Fine then, let's give two days and meet the third day on OpassaBeach! Be there or don't fight!" Kid jumped down from her perch at the top of a pile of wooden boxes. "Go on, get yer stuff done with!" she urged, making wide shooing motions with a crooked grin on her face. Many of their party slipped out the door and onto wherever their destinations might be - this world or the other.

However, there were four people remaing. Mikki stopped at the doorway when she noted that Nikki wasn't with her. She glanced back, a bit surprised to find the red-haired beauty standing still near the edge of the room, staring blankly at a space of wall. Kid had crossed her arms and was tapping her foot, tilting her head as she studied the suddenly quiet bard. Serge was leaning silently against a wall at the back.

_[You've grown so silent and withdrawn... Why? That's not you, that's not you at all...! Nikki... what's the matter?]_

 

//Did they push you out?

Did they throw you away?\\\

 

There were two full days open... shouldn't that be enough time for... _[For what?]_

Even he couldn't answer; so he stood, stone solid and stared at the wall where the person who was often the center of his thoughts was leaning.

"Oi, Nikki, per'aps you oughtta go check in with the Mikki 'ere. She's gotta be pissed you've been gone this long as is."

He snapped out of his thoughts and focused directly on Kid. He picked up on something, there, when he met her eyes. He wasn't sure how or why, but he knew for a fact that he was being told to get his ass out of there for her for some time with...

"Sounds like a good idea, I'll go with you!" Mikki was looking brighter again. 

With a sinking feeling, Nikki nodded numbly and headed towards the door, Kid's eyes gazing at him with a dead weight. Mikki had vanished into the small hall already and he paused in the doorway and purposefully ignored Kid's narrowing glare when he spent a few brief moments to trace the outline of Serge's frame.

"Go on," Kid murmured softly.

At her words, Serge glanced up and over at Nikki, a bit of curiousity showing on his face. Quickly the redhead turned and shut the door loudly behind him.

"There you are, jeez, you really are acting weird." Mikki looped her arm through his. "C'mon, let's go have some fun after we check in with the band here, okay?"

Nikki withdrew his arm. "No... Listen, Mikki, I'm... I'm sorry..." He sighed. "I'm going out alone for a bit. I'll see you later..." Without waiting for her response, he exited the bar and began running down the streets, passing merchants who had reopened their shops. His booted feet led him to a place he had never though he'd visit again, now it was the only thing that might block out the emptiness inside him.

It was a sleezy hotel full of unidentified oders and low groans of pleasure. The entrance led straight into the dimly lit bar where music sounded loudly and controled the writhring of bodies moving together. There was a closed office door beside the stairs across the one room from the entrance. Nikki moved across the floor, ignoring the leers and passes made at him and the carresses that followed him. He rapted on the office door. 

Eyes appeared through a slot that opened and then the space was gone and the door was opened. Nikki entered the slightly brighter room and faced the man who was looking him over, a slight smirk on his face.

"Thought you weren't comin' back?"

"Changed my mind. Set me up."

The man raised an eyebrow. "Requests?"

He was about to say no, but then changed his mind. "Dominate; bondage."

Another curious expression. "Never thought you the-"

"Just shut up and get moving!" Nikki snapped. He turned away, not wanting to meet anyone's eyes anymore. His heart was racing but somehow he was controling his breathing. Bowing his head, he repeated, "Get moving..."

A second door in the room opened and the man disappeared. Nikki sighed and ran a hand through his hair. He was numb, too numb... Now he was beginning to wonder if anything could fill the void that had fully cracked open in the pit of his being.

 

//Touch me now and I don't care 

When you take me, I'm not there

Almost human, but I'll never be the same\\\

 

A key flew through the air and he caught it, glancing up. "Up the stairs, four down on the right." Nikki nodded and left the office and headed up to the second floor where the music was only a vibration of the floorboards. He strode down the hall and opened up the room he was to be in.

As he shut the door the key fell from his hand and he moved steadily - too steadily - to the dark bed and sat down. The walls were a deep maroon color, the carpet a brick red. The few pieces of furnature were black, and lining the walls were dark-wood racks holding various pieces of pleasure torture. Something inside him was laughing bitterly, but it seemed as if it were someone else - outside his body - and not his own voice.

Not long after his arrival, a new key turned the lock and a lithe black robe-covered form entered the room and shut the door with a soft thud behind him. Nikki stayed silent, dully gazing at the young man who slowly walked to one of the walls and retrieved two items. There was nothing in him, he didn't care. 

The minutes dragged by, he didn't fell his sparce clothing being stripped away and didn't feel the cool metal of handcuffs slide over his wrists and lock his arms behind his back. Vicious lips pressed against his, but there was nothing; nothing at all. The clearest moment of any of it was when skilled hands spread his legs as he lay pressed on his stomach; as his unknown partner penetrated more than just his body.

_[This isn't what you wanted. You know what - **who** \- you want...]_

And his mind suddenly left him and brought up an image that filled part of the emptiness within him. But that filling was only a painful ache.

"I'm sorry... Ser-" his trembling, quiet voice cut off even before he said the name. He shut down, not sure he _wanted_ to care anymore.

 

//Long way down

I don't think I'll make it on my own\\\

 

A few hours after he had left money for the prostitute, Nikki found himself wandering out of Termina with a bottle of some strong liquor that he picked up from who-knows-where. His senses were gone, dead, but whatever the liquid was did add a bit of a buzz that gave a sense of feeling. He stumbled over a tree root and hit the ground on his chest. Some of the liquid sloshed out from the bottle. Muttering curses, he staggered up and started on his way again.

Like earlier, his feet led him to a place he hadn't thought he'd ever need to return to. With the dying daylight, ShadowForest was even darker than normal. He paid no heed to the monsters that lurked to the sides of the shallow water he stumbled through. In the end he fell to his knees on a small island of land on the edge of a medium-sized pool of water. He guzzled more of the drink and then threw the bottle hard. It hit someplace in the darkened brush and he heard the glass crack. 

"Gawd..." he moaned, falling full on his front side. His cheek and ear rested in water and his hair floated on the surface like bright blood. He curled up unconsciously and gave into small, near-silent cries that ached his insides.

 

//Long way down

I don't want to live in here alone 

Long way down

I don't think I'll make it on my own\\\

 

A shaft of light penetrating the dark forest the next morning gently revealed the pale face of the top singer of the mainland. Blue eyes slowly cracked opened and then Nikki pushed himself up, blinking and trying to clear the dizziness from his head as he looked around. Parts of his hair was wet and stuck stubbornly to his cheek and dripped water into his eye, making things worse.

Cursing silently, he pushed himself to a stand and squeezed out his wet hair. Dully he noted a slight surprise to not have been attacked by any monsters. He knew he shouldn't press his luck any farther... He left, wandering aimlessly for a few hours before giving in and returning to Termina.

Walking down the streets alone, he couldn't find any of his companions anywhere. The Magical Dreamers' ship that had been in port was gone now and he was left completely alone. He retraced his steps, stopping in every place he could find and looked about for anyone - anyone at all. No one knew where any of the people he described had gone, however. Sure, they mentioned seeing a person so high with this color hair and an accent but... 

By midday he knew it was useless and dropped in at the bar. Sitting down, he rubbed his temples, last night's beverage causing a fuzzy feeling around his head. He still ordered another hard liquor - a full bottle - and left as soon as he paid for it. Once again he had a bottle in hand as he left Termina. He had to find someone, he recognized the pain of loneliness and even though there was someone he particularly wanted to see, he would settle for anyone in the group. _[Damnit Mikki, where did you go?]_

He finally found some of his group. In Arni.

 

//I never put you down

I never pushed you away\\\

 

They were sitting on the pier, chatting and smiling and laughing now and then. Nikki stood on the last piece of land and just watched them. Kid was close to Serge, who was sitting at the end, and was teasing Glenn about something while Leena looked on, smiling broadly. _[I reached for you... I continue to reach and reach but I never grab anything...]_

He stared at Kid, watching as she turned back to tell Serge something. _[What's your secret to reach him, Kid? How have you managed...?]_

Even though he was grabbing desperately at the chance to affect the blue-haired teenager, he couldn't quite find the ledge to pull himself up on, and so he kept slipping, falling further and further behind. Now he was left, standing there on his own, watching a scene he only wanted to be part of, but just couldn't be...

 

//You're not supposed to be that way 

And anything you want

There's nothing I could say\\\

 

_[You're only falling behind because you're not normal. Heard those whispers that floated around you? Yeah, remember them, remember their words.]_

Nikki's eyes had focused on Serge again as he finished off the bottle in his hand. When it was empty, his arm hung limply at his side.

_[Anything you ask for, I'll strive to get it. I will, oh gods I would, if only... if...]_

Suddenly he noticed that their talk had stopped. The four had turned back to look at him, but his eyes were still on Serge, which meant he was suddenly caught in his gaze. _[Say it.. say it!! Now, before it's too late! **Say it!** ]_

But he couldn't speak. There was nothing that he was required to say.

"Come join us, Nikki!" Leena called with a smile.

 

//Is there anything to feel? 

Is it pain that makes you real?\\\

 

Serge had broken away from the others, he was exhausted from the talk that surrounded him, even though he participated little in what was said. After the group on the pier, they'd split up again and Nikki disappeared without a word. Kid had stuck close. Finally Serge told her politely that he needed some time alone. She withdrew with a small smile and headed off on her own.

Now he was dodging the Beach Bums near CapeHowl and headed towards the overhanging piece of land where his tombstone for this world rested. As he neared the end of his path he stopped in surprise to see someone already sitting on the edge of the cliff, one leg bent up as the young man stared over the water and toward the late afternoon sun.

"Oh, hi."

Serge was baffled when he saw Nikki's body tense. "Serge..." Was there wariness there?

There was something off, he'd noted it earlier but didn't know how to broach the subject. Seeing Nikki earlier had sent an alarm off in him when he saw the drunken look to him and the day-old makeup. His hair didn't even seem to be the bright red it had been, now more of a drab, stained color.

_[What are you hiding from m- us?]_ His mind was quick to correct himself, but he felt his heart stop momentarily in fear.

 

//Cut me off before it kills me\\\

 

"There's something I need to say..." Nikki found his voice too low so he cleared his throat and struggled on. "Listen... Serge, I know I... This will just sound so fucked-up but..." He shook his head, trying to clear his mind of the double reactions from his earlier drinks. "I haven't told anyone," he laughed, "and maybe I shouldn't tell even you..."

He sighed and focused on the sea crashing below. Grimly he made a note that if things turned too bad he could just slide off and fall to the rocks below. It was almost as if the other had read his thoughts. "Nikki...!" Two steps closer.

"Wait. Stay there." Nikki gathered himself together again. "I've been alone... always... and things were... okay... The band is great... was great... whatever you prefer... And then this whole thing came up... made things interesting... Something else, though... I... I've changed... changed a lot..." 

He felt the trembling take his body. It was so cold, but he didn't know anymore if it was from the wind around them or the chill in his body. _[This isn't right, let's just leave it... stop speaking... You're ruining it! Shut up! Shut up!]_

Bitterly he argued back with himself, _[First - "say it, say it!" and now you're "shut up, shut up!" Which is it? What do you want?]_

 

//Long way down

I don't think I'll make it on my own 

Long way down

I don't want to live in here alone 

Long way down

I don't think I'll make it on my own\\\

 

"You can tell me." Serge hesitated, feeling that this was something big. "I... won't hold anything against you..." He managed his lips into a slight smile, "We're friends."

Now frozen, Nikki felt his lips move and voice move on, but it was now mechanical and only partially controled by his own train of thought. 

"I was pretty much a loner, only the band for company and thoughts of fans for some enjoyment. Wasn't much at all... I never had much for friends, then, and even within that group I never was interested in anyone. I didn't care to comitt myself to someone. I know Mikki might be interested, but I won't be good to her."

"...Why?"

"I don't love her." Silence passed for a while.

"You care for someone?"

Carefully Nikki replied, "Yes." His voice dropped again, and he quietly finished his answer, "It's you; I love you, Serge."

The waves crashed below. 

 

//I never put you down

I never pushed you away\\\

 

Serge just stood there, too stunned to react in anyway but stare blindly at Nikki's back. The news was... surprising to say the least. But why? Why would anyone love him like that? Leena, yes, the Leena he knew must but... Somehow that felt different. 

_[Why? Why does it feel different?]_ He had to find out, there was urgency in that voice that he couldn't understand but needed to accept. 

"I- I'm sorry..." Nikki gasped out softly. Serge's eyes widened as he saw the bard's shoulders begin to shake with repreased sadness.

_[It's different because... because...]_

What was it? He couldn't find it... that last detail. He had to know... had to know _now_ before it was too late. There was something different about this case, an additional feeling and something very important. 

_[It's because...!]_ and suddenly he knew why. __

 

//Take another piece of me 

Give my mind a new disease 

And the black and white world never fades to grey\\\

 

"...because I feel something too!"

Confused by the half-sentence, Nikki turned, eyebrows furrowing as he stared up at Serge. "What?"

Nervous and excited all at once, the typically stoic Serge moved a few more steps closer, a brightened look crossing his features. "It's what's different... Your... love, it's different than Leena's because... I feel something in return."

Too overwhlemed, Nikki shook his head and looked away. "I... you don't mean that, you couldn't..."

"Why not?" Serge sat down, crosslegged, and watched Nikki as the redhead turned his head profile to him.

"It works too well... why would I deserve such a completness?"

There was something in the way the light was decorating the bard's face that made Serge calm and gaze at him with an easy silence. When he did speak again, he said, "I know what I'm saying. I know me, even if I won't let anyone else in."

Hesitantly the redhead glanced at him. "What do you feel?" he murmured.

 

//Long way down

I don't think I'll make it on my own 

Long way down

I don't want to live in here alone 

Long way down

I don't think I'll make it on my own\\\

 

"When we first met you trusted me and the others right away... For the first time I felt comfortable around a stranger..." He turned his gaze out to sea as he continued, speaking his feelings aloud for one of the first times. "You were with me a long time, I guess as things passed on I realized more and more about you... There was always something hidden, forbidden, behind the slight smile you always wear. I felt you watching me, sometimes, and I listened to things you said, and what other people were saying about you." He chuckled briefly. "I think there was a time I subconsciously blocked everyone out but you and Kid...

"I finally realized, then, that perhaps there was something more to this friendship. I didn't think it would be anything else, convinced myself it wasn't. There were enough complications, I didn't need to mess anything else up." He gazed at Nikki again. "You knocked off the sheild I had up... but I don't mind."

"What do we do now...?"

Serge sratched his head, laughing a bit. "Eh, I hoped you'd know."

"Oh sure, set the responsibility on me!"

"Of course." Serge offered a close-lipped smile. "I'll set up the first plan - let's get some rest... we can figure it out later."

"...Yes... I need some time to think..." Nikki stood, finally calmed. He offered a hand to help up Serge. Before the blue-haired boy turned away, the redhead clutched his hand a bit tighter. With a solom expression, he said, "Please, Serge, think over what _you_ want... don't make me influence you..."

 

//On my own

On my own\\\

Serge replied plainly, "I feel as you do, I can't act alone anymore..."

Nikki's remaining pained look reduced and he smiled a bit bittersweetly as he nodded and let go of Serge's hand.

When they reentered Arni, they exchanged on last shared glance before parting to find someplace to think. Nikki was relieved things were out in the open, though, and the void inside was slowly being filled.

_[Thank you.]_

**__**


End file.
